There's a ladybug on my windshield

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:49:31 GMT

I love waking up here, next to him, with nowhere to be. Hair a mess and our clothes all tangled up on the floor. It's the best feeling.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:42:08 GMT

I went to the gym today. I think I almost dropped dead.

For the record, if you're already not feeling so well, working out does not help. Haha. This will be good for me though. If I manage to keep going. Or at least keep exercising. I love yoga, and I'm still going to do it more often than anything else most likely, but I need more cardio. I may be skinny, but I am not healthy. I'd like to change that.

Also note. I have been EARLY to work for the last month. And I've kept my room clean every single day. Sometimes, change is a good thing. :)

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 04:12:40 GMT

I put a Christmas tree up in the living room a few days ago. Just a wee little one. From when I was a kid (Matt and I each had little ones to put in our rooms every year). Granddad really likes it, he thinks it brightens everything up. And I do too. It has pretty lights. :) I need to go home and see if I can find the little ornaments though. And I really need to get through a lot more of my Christmas shopping. Haha.

I think I'm getting a sinus infection. Which is most displeasing. I feel all gross and my sinus cavities hurt, that never-ending dull aching feeling. I'm thinking about going back the specialist (the one who did my sinus surgery) to make sure everything is still okay. :(

It doesn't look like I'm going to get to go to school next semester. Can't afford it. I'm pretty bummed, not even gonna lie. Bummed being an understatement. I don't care how long it takes to get through school, I'm not worried about graduating really... it's just not being in school at all that gets to me sometimes. My mind feels stagnant. I miss writing, or having an excuse to write I guess. I don't make time for it during the normal course of days and weeks and months.

Still need a new car. But I have to pay the first 6 months' worth of insurance up front, and that's $500 I just don't have right now. Sooo I'm still driving Travis' old Acura until dad and I get the Z sold or I have enough. Car shopping is the biggest pain in the ass ever. But I'm pretty sure we're going to end up with a 2010 Toyota Corolla S. I'm actually pretty excited, believe it or not. While it's DEFINITELY not the horsepower I'm used to, it'll be nice to have an economic car for a while. I'll be getting TWICE the gas mileage... and considering my work commute is from Acworth to Marietta, that'll be a nice break for my wallet. Sigh.

Will this rain ever end?

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 01:52:30 GMT

Or maybe not.
Even if it isn't, I can't help the feeling the end is near regardless. And I still hate that.

Unrelated. I want to start my blog again. It's so neglected. Sigh. I want something more creative than facebook and livejournal, but I don't want a tumblr. I feel like too many things get recycled over and over on it. So I'm thinking I'll go back to my blog. Debating. I'm just not dedicated enough to these things. I need a clear goal to stick to. But I just don't have one. :/

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:16:10 GMT

I think it's over. I hate this.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 06:31:02 GMT

We are the people who love relentlessly. Endlessly. Without boundaries and without fail. So why do we always, without fail, choose mates whose love fades? Are we broken? Is there something unconscious inside of us that searches out the other broken people, who we know will fail us, so at the end of it we can say, Look, I was right, no one in this world can be trusted?

I want to get married one day. While I'm still young. Have a kid, do something I love, experience life to the fullest. So why do I constantly get the nagging feeling that it's just never going to work out that way for me? That years from now I'll look back and wonder how dreams never worked out?

Recently, I told Travis I love him. He told me he loves me. It means everything and nothing. The future is still uncertain, he still doesn't know what he wants. So it goes. Such is life. The road leads where it's led.

Hai.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:43:13 GMT

Not much new here.

Halloween came and went. The fall weather is still here, it's SO nice. I love the fall.

I was sick for the last week. As well as the rest of my family (except Petie. Lucky.). It was kind of miserable, I'm glad to be feeling better. At least it wasn't swine flu, lol.

I want to start doing freelance photography jobs soon, but I'm not really sure how to jump into it. Anyone have any helpful ideas?

Travis wants me to go to his race on Sunday, so tonight I'm staying at his house, then riding out with him to work in the morning (Cedartown), and staying out there Friday and Saturday and then going to Alabama on Sunday for the race. Besides the fact I will be separated from my car and my cat for all this, and therefore at the mercy of others, I'm actually really excited. It's gonna be fun. :)

Then late Sunday night we drive back home, and at midnight I pick up my friend Amanda from the airport!!! She'll be staying with me for a few days. I haven't seen her since I went up to NY a couple years ago. I'm pretty darn excited. I'm really hoping the next week is gonna be great.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:59:49 GMT

How are you?
Because I am doing dandy. :)
Tomorrow is payday. All my bills will finally be paid, and I can get groceries and gas.
And Tuesday is Leonard Cohen!! YESSS!!
October is showing great promise. Upcoming:
Payday.
Kickball game.
Girls' night.
Pumpkin carving.
Leonard Cohen concert at the Fox.
Oktoberfest.
Hopefully taking Travis ice skating.
My Halloween party.
Woo!

I'm sick right now. But hopeful that all of the above are going to be awesome.
(knock on wood).

On another note. Does anyone have suggestions on how to change one's luck? Because honest to god, I have the worst fricking luck ever. Seriously. I don't even get it. If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. I can laugh it off all I want, but seriously, it's driving me crazy. It's like Murphy's Law was modeled after my life.

Cheers, darlings. ♥

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:11:53 GMT

Every day it gets a little bit harder to wake up. I haven't felt entirely like myself in months. I'm not happy, save for rare moments here and there. I feel like I'm disappearing. I can't figure out what's wrong. I can't figure out what's right. There isn't much left in my life. A home, a cat. A boy who dates and fucks me but doesn't let me matter very deeply, as far as I can tell. I feel like he's still caught up in his past. Which is unfortunate. I adore him and feel at peace when I'm with him, even when I'm angry. I fall asleep so easily beside him, and wake up feeling refreshed for once, even though I have to leave. I wish someone in this godforsaken world would take a chance on me, because I damn well know I am deserving of it. A best friend who cares but has her own busy life. A brother who's only friends when it's convenient. Everyone else is far away, almost a memory. I have friends out here, but they're all guys, they all confuse me, they send me mixed signals. I do not want to date them, and I do not want their mixed signals. I have trouble focusing on anything lately. My mind feels so scattered. Summer, where have you gone? What have you left me with? Fall is my favorite season, but this one feels so empty already.

Late night blues.

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 03:54:56 GMT

All I want to do is take a walk,
clear my head and wander the dark, quiet streets.
But I can't even do that in this god forsaken town,
it's not safe to be alone out here.

As if it's ever safe to be alone anywhere.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:23:12 GMT

I don't know why I love to talk like an LOL cat, or why I paint with my fingers, or why I believe that there's beauty in the world, and yet I'm distant and distrustful of every person. Or why I bottle pain up and pretend it's not there, instead of letting it go. I don't know why I fear sleep or why I still have nightmares left over from nearly a lifetime ago. I don't know why my eyes sparkle sometimes. I don't know why so many people have told me I'm emotionless and as cold as ice. I don't know where my innocence went (or if it'll ever return). I don't know why I love music so much. I don't know why I adore photography or why I hide behind my camera when I can't find the words to say. I don't know why I change my hair colour every year, or why I like the things I wear, or why I knit like an old lady. I don't know why people think I'm funny or cute. I don't know how I ended up with so many amazing friends. I don't know why I never feel like I'm "home". I don't know why my body isn't stronger. I don't know why I love turtles or mint chocolate chip ice cream or the German language. I don't know why writing is the only way I can say what's on my mind. I don't know why I need so badly to matter to someone.

I'm just me.
But I keep feeling like I'm someone else.
And I'm lonely.
And the pain I keep bottled up and stored away keeps spilling out.
It burns like acid.
This past year. The past few weeks.
I don't want to be around anybody anymore.
I don't want to feel right now.
I can feel again tomorrow.

.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:25:42 GMT

I live by the rule that everything is temporary. Which is sad, because I think what I really want most in life is permanence. You know, a place to call home. Or someone to build a home with. But there is no home. People and places are temporary. And that, is truth.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 04:15:53 GMT

"There are two types of girls in this world: those who are the perfect, timid matriarchs born only for marriage - the bread-and-butter kind of girls who carry family photos of distant cousins in their wallet and will do everything in their power to avoid an argument - the girls who sit crisscross applesauce on their twin-sized bed and daydream about wedding dresses and first kisses and plastic pink dollhouse homes. There are these small-town girls with their quiet smiles and television dreams, and then there are those who are wild.

While the small-town girls are daydreaming about Tupperware parties and joining the PTA, these concrete goddesses are taking off their heels and jumping carelessly into public fountains. They are dancing wildly to live music, whether it be pulsing trance or cafe jazz, and wearing hand-strung popcorn necklaces as crowns. These swinging cafe-au-lait kind of girls belt out karaoke standards without missing a beat and scribble little crumbs of encouragement on bathroom walls - they slip in and our of our world, cart-wheeling and backflipping through life, and the tragedy is that sometimes we only notice their presence when they’re gone. Sometimes they fall into our laps as best friends and curious strangers. Sometimes we are those wild girls.

We are the ones who will always sing, even when nobody’s listening. We are the ones who will never hesitate to ride loop-de-loop roller coasters, no matter how daunting they may seem. We are the ones who will never be afraid to speak our minds, and we will do whatever it takes to change the world. Others may never understand us - the simple girls will stare scornfully, scratching away our encouraging graffiti with a manicured nail, but these shortcomings never seems to faze us - until it comes to the matter of love. When beautiful boys are involved, boys who thrill us and chill us and yet could never begin to comprehend us, the whole world begins to slow.

These boys with their expensive watches and stunning punctuality, they are afraid. They see who we are and what we have, all of our madness wrapped up neatly in lace and tulle, and they realize that they could never tame us. They know that we, with our ever-changing nail polish, would never rear their perfect Oxford child - that we, with our dreams of baking cupcakes for notorious authors, could never settle to be part of a conventional family. In us they see instability and calamity - they fear the fact that we will never submit to their American dream. And so they run. Even those with love in their hearts still run, tumbling towards unwed sweethearts in Lily Pulitzer sweaters. And these silly boys settle down with sleepy girls that we will never understand. And we are left standing barefoot in pubic fountains. Or star-struck on that karaoke stage. Or staring blankly at a bathroom stall with pen in hand. We realize that love has eluded us, tricked us, shattered us with its fickle sense of humor, but maybe we are the ones who have been doing the eluding. Are we wrong in our slam-dancing ways? Have we become too much to handle? Somewhere along the highway of life, have we made a wrong turn and somehow forgotten to change lanes and become simple?

When did love begin to dictate who we are and not the other way around? No matter how lovely or sweet those dashing boys are, sometimes we just have to accept that we are too wild for them - too complicated and untamed. At the end of the day we have to ask ourselves, is it better to be loved or free?

We may be unconventional darlings, or gothic prom queens, or mysterious concrete conquistadors, but we know what we have, and we will always embrace it, no matter the heartache it may bring us. Because we are wild. We are free. And we are not afraid."

-Penelope Bat

Go take a peek?

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:14:55 GMT

http://littlecaptain.etsy.com

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 05:41:52 GMT

I feel a little like a laboratory rat under the delusion of being cared for, but really nothing more than an experiment. And when the shock comes at the end of the maze, and the rat stares up at you hurt and confused, you will say without guilt, "This is not my fault, little rat. You went through that maze all on your own accord," though we both know it was what you had intended for the rat to do.

I don't wish to know the secrets of summer at all.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:25:14 GMT

I'm up in the air about a lot of things. Including, but not limited to, Fall Semester, Travis and dating in general, jobs and money.

I thought I lost my journal. The paper one I write in. But I found it. Wheew. I might read through it all today. Or I might wait another month or two.

I sold a locket on Etsy! :) So I need to actually start making more things and posting them onto that site.

In a few days, it's the one-year anniversary of adopting my Little Captain. I love her so much. :')

I need to shower and head to Marietta. Find something to do.

Cheers, darlings.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 07:44:33 GMT

Fuck. Everything.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:23:12 GMT

I feel like damaged goods.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 18:40:51 GMT

I shouldn't date boys. I should date their music. Because in the end that's all I get left with anyway. And it lasts forever.

I'm good. But always tired. And not sleepy tired. Just... tired. Bored? Exhausted.

I wish my boy would be my boyfriend. I don't know if it's going to happen. I'm basically a girlfriend without the commitment. Which to me is important. I think I screwed myself over.

Been having nightmares again lately. I mean, the really bad ones. One morning I woke up rolling around and crying... and I woke up this morning crying again. I don't want to talk about what either were about. But they're weird scary shit and I hate this. It shouldn't be happening. I keep myself sleep deprived, which usually means no dreaming. And I even had the girls over one of the nights, I hardly EVER have nightmares with other people around. Aaand the of course the best part of nightmares is now I'm alone when I wake up terrified. No one to keep me safe and comforted. Ugh.

Been hanging out with some of the old crew again. Rebuilding some friendships. It's really refreshing. I'm enjoying the people I'm around.

Friendships are like bridges. The more frequently travelled ones require the most maintenance, while some can be left alone for huge gaps of time and still be fine. If you burn bridges down, you can either rebuild at a later date, or walk away for good. Sometimes someone else burns them and the river is impossible to ford. Sometimes they decay with time and wash away. Sometimes they're built slowly but last forever.

I think too much lately.

One day I'll learn to share my thoughts.

Life is amazing.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 08:39:10 GMT

I wish I could sum recent life up.
But there's too much to say.
Life's been great. :)

I have always wanted

Wed, 20 May 2009 21:02:42 GMT

A pair of white go-go boots. And red cowboy boots. The shoe lust continues, but I've still never attained these two items. Hmm.

Other than a severe panic attack this week, life has been pretty good. And the panic attack I probably had coming to me. I don't have a safe person to comfort me anymore, and I spend all my time on the highway and out and about all over the place. It was bound to happen. I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again for a while. It's been so long, I'd forgotten what it was like to have your mind and body completely shut down on you. Ughh.

I'm loving Acworth now, it's relaxing. I still drive to Marietta almost every day, but you do what you gotta do to be happy, I guess. The cookout last weekend was a ton of fun. I'm spending a lot of time out by the lake. It's beautiful.

I'm hoping things will be okay with Travis. I'm getting too attached.

I love my red hair.

I'm waiting for Nicole to come over so we can go out on a photo shoot. I'm glad she's coming, I've missed her being around.

I really want to do a pin-up shoot. Seriously guys, if I'd only been born fifty years earlier. I want to be a pin-up girl when I grow up.

And with that, I'm done for now. Cheers, darlings. ♥

.

Thu, 07 May 2009 13:44:34 GMT

I'm crashing.
I still miss you.

But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying 'til you run out of cake.

Drag my feet along the floor.

Tue, 05 May 2009 01:24:27 GMT

How am I supposed to pretend,
I never want to see you again?

Things aren't half bad. Life is lifey.

A couple weeks ago, Mr. T (my boss at Bellacino's) tells me very concernedly that I am losing weight. And that he knows I'm stressed out lately, but that I need to take care of myself. It's weird that I've been working here so freaking long he's practically an uncle. Eek. So i've been eating like crazy lately to put some weight on, and I'll be damned if I haven't gained WAY TOO MUCH. I think it's the coffee. So time to get into shape and cut back.

I've been trying to do yoga every morning again. I end up skipping a lot of mornings, but on the whole it's refreshing.

Little Captain is still insecure as hell. When I stayed at my parents' I had to take her along so she wouldn't freak. She's been bad about the claws lately, she's been shredding me to pieces. I clipped the front ones finally but haven't managed to get the back ones.

Jordan killed himself. He hung himself in his dorm room in Nova Scotia. There are a few different versions of stories I've heard, I'm not exactly sure anyone knows what happened or why. My cousin is dead. My YOUNGER cousin. Younger! Suicide scares the shit out of me. One of my first memories ever is of playing in Uncle Jeff's house with Jordan. Before they ever even adopted Claire. He was so smart, how could he do it? How can someone erase their life like that? All the past memories, all the future potential? I mean hell, I've been down before, I've been depressed as hell and I've thought about suicide. But I'd never actually do it. It would hurt so, so many other people. It's selfish. We weren't close, but I miss him. It's shaken me up. I don't know how to explain it.

I've been reading The Game at times when I'm over at Houman's. I picked it up one day randomly and haven't been able to put it down. It's kind of disturbing. These guys go looking to get laid and get in easy with girls, and they do it by being forceful, insulting... but I can see exactly how it works. These guys need to be accepted, so they do it by preying on females' insecurities. I mean hell, I'll admit it would probably work on me. And it's so unreal how it really is a game to the people playing it; there's no consideration for these women, who are individuals on their own and might regret the things they end up doing forever. Insecurity turns everyone into predators and prey. It's sort of pitiful.

I think I'm lonely. I've sort of been seeing someone for a few weeks. Seeing someone? Casually dating? I don't really know exactly what to call it. I'm new to this. And I get my hopes up and I shouldn't. It's a lesson I've learned a hundred times before, don't ever ever get your hopes up. But I'm a hopeful person I guess, underneath the pessimism. Strange mix. I am afraid I'm setting myself up for disappointment again. I wish I could open up more, stop being scared and let someone in. I'm so closed up sometimes. I don't like sharing my emotions, I don't like someone knowing what I'm thinking. I feel vulnerable. Open up to me! And then I'll open up to you. I promise.

I feel like one of my besties is drifting away. I know she has a lot of things to do now and new people in her life... but it's still a little sad.

I'm in the process of trying to sell the Z. I think one of my friends is interested. It would be wonderful if I could get rid of it and put the money away for a Cougar.

I really like that while hanging out with Houman we've been hanging out with the guys a lot too. I miss being part of a larger group, it makes me feel more accepted. It's fun.

Today's been such a lazy day. I've stayed in pajamas and tried to clean my room and bathroom. I'm hardly ever home so the mess has been piling up. I still haven't completely unpacked. I didn't even try today.

While I was staying at my parent's, I felt really unwelcome the whole time for the first time. It was just me and Matt there, but still, the whole time I couldn't wait to get back to my bed in Acworth. I feel so much more at home out here. I just wish more of my friends would come out here to hang out. I feel like Riley's the only one who really bothers. We have a lot of fun staying up all hours. :)

I hate my guy friends hitting on me. Especially by people that try to bash Bobby, as if I'm going to join in. I don't want to talk about Bobby, thank you very much. I feel like a piece of ass. I've never had that feeling before. It leaves me feeling dirty and disgusted. Ugh.

Some time in the near future I would like to write a short story about an old man who gets Alzheimer's and forgets that he is gay. And in fact is freaked out by his lover and all his homosexual friends. I'd like to write it more as a comedy than a sad story. Still thinking it through.

I'm really rusty at writing. i'm jumping subjects and leaving gaps and forgetting information. I've been writing in my paper journal a lot more often and have gotten away from writing in this online journal. So staring at this screen is a little strange to me.

Time to crawl into my comfy nest until whenever Riles comes over.

Cheers, darlings.
Love.

Cougar in a cougar.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:27:06 GMT

I am determined to have a '67 or '68 Cougar XR-7 by the end of summer. Even if I have to work 3 jobs. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SAVE ALL MY PENNIES. Oh yes. I'm serious business this time.

Taxes. And stuff.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 07:03:17 GMT

I didn't have to do them this year. Exciting.

I saw B. today for the first time in weeks... I think the experience should probably not be repeated if at all possible. Kinda shook me up. I might act like a hard ass... But for real I'm not. At all. And I'm not done distracting myself and avoiding the issue. So fuck that shit. I'm putting out my radar and avoiding at all costs from here on out. I choose apathy over misery. You taught me to kill my emotions pretty well. The only thing that still shakes them into life is you. Congrats.

I still can't sleep. Like. Fucking ever.

Tonight was a good night overall. I'm disappointed I didn't get to go to the Tea Party protest in Atlanta... but I think what I ended up with was even better. :)

Know what's really disappointing? When someone you thought was one of your closest friends finds a pretty good way of telling you you're completely replaceable and disposable. One more reminder why I shouldn't get too close to people.

I can't believe how much further Obama is putting the country into debt. I'm honestly kinda scared for the immediate and long-term future of this country...

I would continue on this subject, but for once I am really tired and would like to sleep.

Goodnight, darlings. ♥